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You, as I have previously noted with great eloquence, are quick to aggrandize yourself by flaunting each and every one of your trivial accomplishments and inconsequential anniversaries at your undoubtedly weary readership. I, conversely, choose to bide my time, fermenting in the juices of my innumerable victories as they continually wear away the crumbling foundation of your wretched online enterprise. For I am the wind and the waves are the Law, and together we erode great mountains and the shining cities that grace them; Far more significant, I might add, than your dilapidated, hell bound shanty. It is with the authority vested in me as Poet Laureate of my own hometown, the leader of countless groundbreaking geological surveys, and the foremost expert in the works of John Winthrop and their application in the political dialogue of the United States in the 1980s, that I make this extended metaphor with complete confidence in its appropriateness and legal validity.
For was it not just a year and three weeks ago (with respect to the dating of this letter) that I wrote to you my first letter of complaint, ushering in a new era of accountability on the Internet, and for that matter, in worldwide art? The cause has come this far, onward it shall tread.
It therefore stands to reason that Circle Versus Square: A Web Comic, has also continued for at least that long. I would have moved to stop this affront you have created before it even began, but alas, precognition is admittedly an area in which I am only an intermediate practitioner.
But in all truth, I pity you. Out of some sort of stubborn, idealistic masochism, you insist on degrading yourself with this vapid exercise. On what principle you continue your meaningless crusade, I can scarcely imagine. If even for a brief moment you could see yourself for what you truly are, you would undoubtedly realize the degree to which you are an absolute embarrassment in every conceivable way.
Nevertheless, continued observation of your miserable plight has at long last awoken my purest senses of goodness and charity. Lest you waste yet another year of your life, I am willing to offer (to be considered for a period of time terminating on 2/27/2009) a lone olive branch.
I have prepared the following Settlement Agreement by which I will agree to suspend legal action against you and your comic in return for your compliance with a reasonable set of terms and conditions. It is in the best interest of you, your readers, and the state of modern art that you consent to follow them precisely as written.
It is without doubt that following these simple guidelines will produce a superior product on all levels, as anyone with even the most basic sense of good writing or art would be well aware.
This is your final chance to avoid the full force of law. Consider the consequences and govern yourself accordingly.
Expectantly,Mr. Z
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